Wasurenaide Do Not Forget
by hotaru4
Summary: An accident in Otsu makes Kaoru forget her fondest memory while the arrival of a Yukishiro (not Tomoe/Enishi) forces Kenshin to remember. Through lies, desperation, and deceit, can Kenshin will Kaoru to forget, and in forgetting, find her peace?
1. Remembering

Wasurenaide  ("Do Not Forget") 

****

By Hotaru 

**Disclaimer:**  I don't own RRK, except in my dreams.

**Warning:**  PG-13:  May be "R" in later chapters.               

**Also:**  This is one of my four fics, which include "Depend on You," "Heaven Help Me," and "Heartbreak Cafe."  If you have time, please R&R.  For those who like to read more of "Depend On You," part 7 is still in the works, so is the 1st chapter of "Heartbreak Café."  I hope you enjoy reading "Wasurenaide" though, even if it's angsty and dramatic most of the time (occasional comedy, but very minimal).   You'll also see a lot of the classic couples here: K&K, S&M, and A&M.  That means major participation from the Five Kenshingumi players: (Kenshin, Kaoru, Sano, Megumi, Yahiko) with some new characters on the side of the Yukishiro family, coming in the next few chapters.Setting is, by the way, the same as the classic RRK we all know, but additional characters will be coming in.  The whole story takes place after the Jinchu Arc but before the last chapters of the final volume of the manga.

**Now, if you happen to be a Tomoe fan, you'll find lots of references to her here, but this is not a potential K&T fic.**  **Tomoe is dead, and someone ELSE takes her place.  It's not Kaoru.  Not yet, at least, but Kenshin, in his typical rurouni way, must figure that out.   Expect a lot of K&K torture then.    **

There'll be mention of Enishi too who might as well show up—but later.

Domo arigatou, demo, awaremi, reviewers out there!!!  Dekiru koto wa nandemo shimasu to please all of you, but let me just say that I'm very fond of this fic.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Onegai?  Even if there's a lot of angst and tears…                     

Chapter 1:  Remembering…     Snow.  In another time and another place, the snow spoke of someone…someone whom he had lost forever, under that dark, endless sky of immense whiteness…falling, descending, like frozen tears…   …Otsu… 

Kenshin's eyes went to the two figures stumbling from behind piles and piles of caked snow.  He could still remember how Kaoru had smiled, announcing Dr. Genzai's invitation for the group to stay with his relatives in Otsu.   Just hearing her say Otsu was enough to make him nervous.  What surprised him though was the fact that she knew, as Yahiko, Sano and Megumi did, what Otsu meant to him.  And yet she seemed to be the least disturbed about it—she, Kaoru, the eternal optimist who smiles for him despite the sadness and uncertainty painted in those eyes of his—the eyes that received those smiles self-consciously, with the knowledge that the comfort they give is the closest thing he could call happiness, no matter how short-lived and surreal compared to the sorrow that lingers.  

He had thought about it long and hard, and even if the answer and the choice it seems, became obvious in that fight with Shishio, in that confrontation with his master, Hiko Seijuro, he could not help thinking whether the answer and the choice could be neither.   Certainly, the past is the past.  He would not have succeeded in that fight against Enishi if he had not confined the sorrow of his memories to the deepest recesses of his mind, so that he may hear and listen to what's in his heart.  And that heart spoke to him in another voice, from this time, this place, this reality, this moment—this living, breathing moment…  

But the nagging question remains, ever so acute in its appeal to reason than passion.   Will happiness ever be enough?  Will it be enough to change pasts gone by, lives gone by, all those experiences that are the essence of who he is, still a stranger to himself?  Can a single choice change fate, or history, or the meaning of one's existence?  Feelings change…they change by the choices people make…but realities don't.  Things happen regardless of what one may feel about it—regardless of the choices people make, and the beliefs they may uphold, no matter how right in the eyes of the human heart.  Not that he is being extremely pessimistic or self-critical.   He knew what it meant to believe.  To hope.  And to fight a losing battle…

_A losing dream…_  

Indeed, he would not have been a hitokiri if he had not felt that history can be changed by men and their passions.   Yet, it was history that _taught_ him, that _changed_ him, against his very own compulsions.  Now, he could honestly say that if there is anything he learned from history, it is the fact that events shape men and their destinies, not the other way around.

They say history is doomed to be repeated.  Perhaps certain things have to be repeated in order to be remembered.  But if that is so, then it could only mean one thing… Kenshin's back bristled, his eyes to the heavens, watching the snow fall endlessly, as Yahiko's crisp laughter reached him across the distances.  After Tomoe came the happiness… the laughter… _her_ smile … _her_ companionship… _her_ caring… Kaoru became all of these things… But after this happiness, then what?   

 "Ha, ha!  I never knew any busu could get even uglier when they're hit smack on the face just like that!!!" Yahiko was laughing, scowling at his teacher, who was struggling to get up, lumps of snow falling from her face.    

Kenshin felt the smile on his lips come unbidden at the noise Kaoru and Yahiko were making.  Kaoru was never a good sport—that is the only reason he could think of why she had always been the target of both Yahiko's and Sano's mischief.   Not that he considered THAT to be her weakness.  In fact, he himself would admit that it was amusing, if not fun, to see her angry—to have to witness some of her irrational, and physically violent outbursts.  Of course any provocation that leads to violence especially where Kaoru is concerned can be very dangerous to say the least.  One may never know HOW exactly she would react to such provocations.   Still, Yahiko and Sano risk it time and time again.  And why?  

Kenshin only knew too well, making him smile again, ever so slightly, at the realization.  It was Kaoru's enthusiasm that was intoxicating.   Her energy, youthful innocence, even carelessness is a reprieve from all the worldly complications of modern humanity which they—he, Yahiko, and Sano—experienced, before they came into her life.   Looking at her now—a yellow dot in the snow running after a brown dot jumping high and low in the drifts around him, he could only sigh, almost laugh, if it wasn't a luxury.  

Kaoru would frown to hear it, but she seems to be at her best when she's hitting something—anything—whether it's another bokken during kendo practice, or a person's head, including his.   It was not just her optimism, her warmth towards anything that awakens her compassion, it was also her _faith_… —naïve it may seem—in all things that are good and beautiful… _her_ faith in the capacity of the human heart to transcend all barriers that make happiness impossible…    

A cold breeze met him full in the face, making him shiver slightly, despite the warm feelings in his heart.   Something light, and faintly cold drifted carelessly on his shoulder, melting at the faintest touch of his hand.  He stared at the snowflake blowing gently his way, and looked up at the seamless gray above.  

In another time, and another place, he watched the gentle snowflakes fall like this, melting like tears on his face.

Those were real tears too… 

He leaned back and sighed.  Time had done little to make him forgive…and forget.   Indeed, how could any man forget such a woman?  A woman who had chosen to die and let her greatest and worst enemy live, after sacrificing so much—her life, her family, her happiness—for revenge?  He was a hitokiri, a deadly assassin who swore to kill in the name of a noble dream, which sought nothing less than a new and better era for Japan.  And she was Tomoe, daughter of a reputable family, who dreamed of nothing more than a life of her own, together with the man who loves her and whom she loves in return.  As if to spite her though, Fate put her in the hands of the last man she could never love, nor forgive.  And what was the reason for it?  So he would have a reason to seek out her elusive smile in the smiles of the living whose dreams she had stood for, and in whose dreams, she had died…

Kiyosato Akira would know…he died uttering her name like a hopeless prayer…  

Kenshin had to look up, if only to taste the snow and feel the cold fill him to the brim. 

_Tomoe… will my heart ever be strong enough to forgive myself for what this murderer has done to you?  For those other lives I've destroyed?  Does my atonement end in your and Enishi's forgiveness, or is it only the beginning? _

He would have gone over these questions again and again in his mind, when waves of laughter rocked the silence of the wind around him.  Even in his sadness, Kenshin had to smile. 

. . . . . . . . . .                 


	2. The Stare of Death

Wasurenaide

("Do Not Forget")

By Hotaru Disclaimer:  I don't own RRK.  Sessha's just bored to death so s/he decided to pick on the poor rurouni… ^_^ Warning:   Current rating is PG for language, but may be "R" in the other chapters.  I guarantee though, that there are NO lemons in THIS chapter.  Just angst and a lot of tears…  Also:  This is not a K&T fic, and goes beyond the TV series and the manga.  Setting is the same as the classic RRK we all know, but additional characters will be coming in.  The whole story of course takes place after the Jinchu Arc but before the last chapters of the final volume of the manga.  In this chapter, focus is on Kaoru's thoughts about her relationship with Kenshin. Chapter 2:  The Stare of Death 

"Hey, ugly, I think that means you had ta do the dishes tonight, cause you ain't gonna win from Tokyo samurai Myojin Yahiko!"

"Who are you calling ugly, you pig-headed twerp!" Kaoru screamed hurling a ball in Yahiko's direction and failing miserably to hit her target.  Oh well.  Who ever said one can be an expert in snowballing and kenjutsu at the same time?

"Oh yeah?  Well, why don't you take this!!!" Yahiko grinned, hurling another snowball.  This time, it missed Kaoru, hitting instead the overhanging branches above her, heavy with snow.         

Yahiko was laughing his lungs out.  "Geez, Kaoru, you better shape up, or you'd be turning into an even uglier busu by the time this is over!!!"

_That's it!_  Kaoru gritted, straining to get her hands on her impetuous, not to mention rude, brutish, and obnoxious attacker.  It was useless trying to be ladylike.  Even if Kenshin were watching, she wouldn't think twice about shoving snow into that big-mouthed Yahiko when she gets the chance!

"Oi, Kaoru," he called out to her, his voice filled with mock contempt.  "Before you get pissed off and wrinkled up like a raisin, you might wanna know that Kenshin's watching!  Though I can't figure out what he EVER sees in a busu like you, I sure hope it's not a big, fat, stupid snow monster who's too slow to get out of a little snow!"    

Without even thinking, Kaoru glanced in the particular direction of the house where Kenshin was sitting quietly, a small pink spot on the porch, which was perfectly in their line of sight.  She blushed, hating herself for allowing Yahiko to distract her with such stupid nonsense.  Of course Kenshin would be watching.  He always does when he's worried.  Worried about snow?  

Geez, can't you loosen up a little Kenshin? 

_Demo…_

Kaoru looked up, feeling the snow on her face.  For Kenshin, she was sure that the snow could only mean one thing.  Otsu…Tomoe…the first and only woman Kenshin loved in that painful, distant past…and may love until now.  It was a foolish idea, this idea of hers that going to Otsu may finally allow him to confront those pent-up mixed emotions he had been keeping bottled inside of him all these years.  She remembered that night when she told them about Dr. Genzai's invitation to stay with his relatives for the rest of the winter break.  Of course, there were already half a dozen excuses in her head—excuses that may settle the matter for good without having to disturb anyone's—especially Kenshin's—peace.  But was it pride or foolishness that forced her to be brave?  She knew that until she can be sure about Kenshin's feelings, she can never really be happy.  Her inner voice berated her for _that_.   

_But love isn't about happiness, stupid!  It's about endurance…what you would endure for the one you love…the one you would love through all the hardship, sorrow, and regret…through the pain of not being loved in return…   _

_Demo…_

Kaoru knew that her real anxiety lies not so much in the realization but the acceptance of such an insight.  But that is precisely the question.  Can she accept those limitations and live a normal life, knowing that things cannot change and perhaps never will?  That no matter what she did, or could ever do, she cannot change his life, a life built around things that didn't include her, and which she might never fully comprehend?  

_Knowing is so different from feeling isn't it?  You may have told me about your past, but you can never share those feelings you keep inside to a stranger, an outsider such as myself… Maybe not because you don't trust that I will understand… but more because you don't trust that I will be able to endure and accept, what you yourself had struggled to endure and accept all these years…_

_Still…_

         

            _Is it too much to hope the impossible?  To convince you that happiness cannot be given if it is not received? Happiness could never be as powerful as your guilt and awareness of crime, as overwhelming as your need for forgiveness, redemption, and peace… But without it, there will be no search fro meaning… and no meaning behind all the sacrifices we make to deserve it…_

_            But for now…_

She looked up at the snow…

            _You are MY truth.  The truth of my existence.  Why I am here.   Why I suffer.  Why I endure.  Why I smile despite it all.  Why I love despite it all.  I may not BE the answer you're looking for… but I WILL be here to smile for you when the answer is too painful, too difficult to bear and endure on your own. _

_And that's all that really matters.  My feelings can wait…_

She looked at him across the white uneven landscape … so still… so quiet, so far away…

So lost… in the dark gray of unbidden memories…   

_Just be honest with me Kenshin… Show me your true feelings… I can endure it if only you will let me feel even a little of that sorrow… a little of that suffering…  _

_-Really now?_

Kaoru inhaled sharply.  She recognized that voice—the voice of that other mind, that will of hers that would never be deceived.

_Why can't you just leave me alone!  _

_-Why should I?  You said you want HIM to be honest don't you?  Well,** I'm **the one being honest here, if you really think about it!  If you want honesty, then stop fooling yourself with all this crap about wanting Kenshin to be honest with you.  Because that's not what you really want Kaoru.  What you want is to be loved._

Kaoru bristled with shock at that.  _What do you really know about my feelings?  You don't know anything!  You hate honesty because you don't know the truth about Kenshin, or about what I feel for Kenshin!! _

_-Tell me then.  Can you be honest enough to admit that his rejection won't mean anything to you?  Honest enough to admit that all you can ever be to him is a home… a quiet little sanctuary the rurouni's battered ego can run to, to hide from his other self?   You may believe him when he proved to Enishi how important you've become…but are you entirely convinced that that is precisely what you want?  To be important?  No.  Deep in your heart, you want to be more than that, don't you? _

Kaoru flinched.  _I'm not making assumptions about how he feels about me… _

_-Because nothing has ever been certain between the two of you, isn't it? Even now, you're scared to believe that Kenshin only needs you to help him forget…To forget the memory of a loved one he had lost and can never replace…_

_Why are you saying these things? _Kaoru frowned, fisting a lump of snow._  I know what I want and being here in Otsu has nothing to do with me.  All I ever want is for Kenshin to…to…_

_-To love you.  That's what you really want Kaoru…all you really want from Kenshin.  Too bad you can't say it, even to yourself!_

_Impossible!  I'm not such a fool as to believe that, just because he cares about me…_

_-Of course he cares!  After all, hasn't he said goodbye to Tomoe's grave that day you and he walked hand in hand in Kyoto?  But you know in your heart that that is no promise.  He may have said goodbye to settle his feelings for Tomoe once and for all, but has **that** helped him settle his feelings for you? You may have given him a home…demo…for a man such as your rurouni who had been lonely for far too long, and had endured too many for a single lifetime, the only real home is his memories…_

_And memories outlive goodbyes…               _

Kaoru tried to blink away the snow getting into her eyes, but they melted like tears as quickly as she felt them, making her cheeks soggy with frozen wetness.    She shook her head.  

_You just don't understand!  If Kenshin wants to love somebody else, why shouldn't I let him?  It doesn't matter if he chooses to love Tomoe until forever!  All I want is for Kenshin to be free…free to be himself, to live the way he wanted to live his life…_

_And that means…that means being free to love whoever he chooses…_

_And I won't get in the way because…_

She felt her cheeks grow numb with the seeping coldness of snow melting like tears on her face.   

_Because I'm just someone to protect…    _

"Oi, ugly, what's with the look?" Yahiko shouted, his brows creased suspiciously.  "Are you thinking about Kenshin again?  Geez, you really are a—" 

Whatever it is he was about to say was left unsaid as Kaoru waved a fist at him.  "Shut up, you, you--when I'm through with you, I'd--" 

Now what?  Yahiko's mouth hung open, showing all his cavities.  Is her stupid student up to something again?  

Then she felt it.  The tremor.  Her feet was buried in layers and layers of snow, and she had to admit they were getting numb every second, but still she felt it.  Is the ground really vibrating, or is that her own legs trembling in the coldness?

Kenshin stood up.  Kaoru and Yahiko were at least several meters away, but he could sense very clearly that there was something wrong.

He only trusted his instincts.

**. . . . . . . . . .  **


	3. Desperation

**Wasurenaide**

**("Do Not Forget")**

**by Hotaru**

**Disclaimer:**  I don't own RRK—not wholly at least. Only the rights to wishful thinking.  

**Warning:  **PG-13 here.  A lot of introspection.  The focus is on Kenshin's thoughts, and how they will lead him to a crucial decision. ****

**Also:**  Please R&R.  Thanks to those who did, like May and kumo.  Please stick around for a while.  Action's a bit slow for now, but I hope it will help explain a lot of things that will happen in the future.  

**Chapter 3:  Desperation  **

"Oi, Kenshin where d'ya think you're going??!!"

Kenshin had no time to answer.  "Kaoru-dono! Yahiko!" he screamed, running into their direction.  But the snow only pulled him down with each step, blocking each hurried stride as he struggled to get to Kaoru and Yahiko in time before… 

"Was that Ken-san??"  Megumi asked, awakened by the mad urgency of the voice breaking the silence around them.

Sano stood up, staring after Kenshin.  "I dunno what's come over Ken--"

Then they both felt it.

_Could it be…Demo…it's impossible…_

She and Sano exchanged looks.  

"An avalanche!!!" Megumi finally found her breath, her face turning as white as the snow swirling right in front of her.  She looked desperately at Sano.  

But Sano was already gone, racing after Kenshin with the same desperate urgency that showed in the rurouni's face. 

_Gods, why do you hafta keep doin' this to us??!! _Sano hissed, ignoring the sharp sting of the air slicing through his skin.  Kenshin's back was yards away, his red hair urging him on like a beacon.  _Shit, how could he run like that with all this darn snow??!!_  he snarled, as his leg got caught in another drift that made him stumble for the third time.  He was lagging behind, and Kenshin himself was not getting any closer to where Yahiko and Kaoru stood frozen.

          _I really thought things have changed when I got back.  Well, not that a year is really THAT long to begin with…But here we are **again**, looking after each other like old times.  Something tells me I should be happy about that, but I know better!!  If Kenshin doesn't start acting around Jo-chan the way he should, something like this would have to keep happening just to bring them together…Shit…I don't think I'd have enough heart to see him so messed up again…and definitely not enough guts to see Kaoru go down before that stupid Kenshin could ever say what he truly feels about her!!!_

Yahiko froze, his mind a blank as the wave of whiteness came crashing, hurling itself in their direction.

Kaoru didn't have to think to know what was happening.  But her concern right now is getting Yahiko to listen.  And move.  The boy was obviously dumbstruck, too afraid to even budge, as much as blink. "Yahiko, get out of here, you hear me!!  Yahiko!!"  

But Yahiko just stood there, speechless, livid.  

"Hey listen, you IDIOT!!!" she desperately flung a handful of snow in his direction, smacking him right on the cheek.

Yahiko blinked.  It was then that he realized that Kaoru was still buried waist deep in snow.  If they run right now, they might have a chance, but…

He inched his way toward his teacher.

"STUPID!!!" she screamed with all her might.  _That_ got his attention.

She thanked_ kami_ for that.  She leveled her gaze at him.

"Didn't you hear what I said?  Run and get Kenshin!!  There's no time to lose!!"

At the sound of Kenshin's name, Yahiko suddenly tensed, his eyes becoming more focused.  

_She's right.  Get Kenshin.  Kenshin always knows what to do._

"Hurry!!  Quit standing there and hurry!!"

Yahiko moved as fast as his legs could carry him.

          Kaoru bowed her head.  She could feel the earth beneath her shaking with a deadly urgency that only betrayed the truth.  They wouldn't be able to get to her in time.  Even if Kenshin could fly, it would be too late.

She knew that.  She only needed something to say to Yahiko to get him to leave.  There is no other way her one and only student will leave her behind to save himself.  He was always thoughtful…so concerned about her when she needed to believe in something, no matter how hopeless it seemed.  She would never forget those times they spent together, teacher and student, looking for Kenshin in Kyoto…That time when he convinced her that the trip was worth making because Kenshin cared for her.

Yes, Kenshin cared.  It might have been not enough, but it was good enough to keep her hoping…

          Kenshin's heart stopped.  Before him was nothing but a boundless sea of empty whiteness, soft, silver, and serene under the yawning gray above them.  

_Such silences…like the singing of the night wind under a starless sky…_

In Sano's grip, the loosened collar of Yahiko's gi dangled, along with the boy, who was struggling stubbornly, in the midst of all the crying and cursing he was leveling against the gangster, his angry face ghostly pale, contorted with misery and contempt.

"Kaoru!!!  You let me go, didn't I tell you, you big brute!!!" he screamed vindictively, trying to swing a punch in Sano's direction.  

He looked down at the boy.  The gaze he gave him was more pathetic than the awkward punches, the clamor and the howling he let them see and hear.  

"Kaoru…Kaoru told me to get Kenshin…" he sobbed, his voice breaking.  "I didn't want to leave her…She told me I should run back to get Kenshin!!!  De-demo…de-demo…she lied…she always lied about things…"

Yahiko curled himself into a miserable heap, the moment Sano let go of his collar.  He flung his hands on the snow.

"She always lies when she cares…Just like Kaoru…She always lies to me…she always lies when she cares…"

Kenshin trembled at the sound of his broken, heart-wrenching sobs.  But it was those words that cut through him like a dagger.

          _She always lies when she cares…_

He understood it now.  And the understanding washed over him like a tidal wave.

_She knew what Otsu meant to me…wanted us…wanted me to be here because…_

_Because she knew that…that Tomoe and I…_

He closed his eyes and remembered the way Kaoru smiled when she announced their trip to Otsu.  Remembered it now with vivid clarity.  And understood the sadness that must have lingered there… 

_So I'm not the only one in pain…_

His lack of insight, his blindness, was like a shard falling into calm waters, shattering its unperturbed stillness. Without thinking, he stepped forward, ignoring the soaking wetness of the snow pulling him down with every step.  Sano watched him, his eyes glazed.

"Hey—Kenshin, waddaya think you're doing?  You think you can find Jo-chan in all these without help?  Look at all this shitty mess…"

Kenshin threw him a look.  His lips were deathly pale, but his eyes burned.

"She is my responsibility, Sano.  She had always been.  And I will not accept any other argument…" 

Sano forgot what he was about to say.  He frowned, shifting his gaze to the boy lying crumpled to his feet, then to the figure marching into oblivion.   

_Shit, it's impossible to get through to him when he's in this mood.  Jo-chan, you'd better live or I won't be responsible for what Kenshin might do to himself if you die.  That stupid jerk is in love with you, he just doesn't know it yet!  But he ain't good at hiding it either!!!_

Kenshin moved on, oblivious of anyone's presence.  Oblivious of the snow soaking his gi, his scarf, his hair…

No, he wouldn't let the snow weep for him again.  Kaoru must live.  She would have to live because…

…Because…

 _-As you said, she is your responsibility.  That is all._

Kenshin froze, his mind confused, angry, calculating.  _Whatever else I may feel for her is not your concern… _

_-Come now.  We have been through this a dozen times, haven't we? You said it yourself.  A hitokiri is a weapon.  An efficient weapon has no feelings.  No hate.  No desire.  No love…_

_I'm no longer the hitokiri.  That was over.  It was over when I took up my sakaba sword to protect the ones I love…_

_-Love?  What do you know about love? Guilt perhaps would come closer…_

Kenshin continued walking, throwing his scarf around his shoulder.

_-Doesn't it tire you?  This guilt? This endless atonement?  Isn't your little Kaoru just part of that?_  _Part of your desire to create the happiness you weren't able to give to that 'other' woman who really mattered…_

Kenshin closed his eyes.  _Demo…Tomoe is different._

_-Of course…_The voice echoed in his mind with painful clarity._  Because she awakened what little humanity survived within the cold-hearted Battousai, so that you—the rurouni you intend to be--may live. Isn't that the promise you left her that day you held her in your arms and wept under all this snow? Do you think it is that easy to forget?  Do you think having that little Kaoru-dono of yours shall be any comfort? You may have said your goodbye, but that was meant to convince yourself, more than that sweet, innocent girl, that it's finally over between you and Himura Tomoe._

_That's NOT true…_

_--_A snicker.  _How the truth hurts!!!  So why would she ask you to come here if she were certain about your feelings?  Until now, you haven't chosen have you?  And that's it.  She took you here to help you make the final choice…but can you do it?  Can you open her eyes to the truth that you can never give her what she really wanted?_

Kenshin felt his feet sink with a heaviness he could not control.  _All she wanted is for me to stay with her.  Nothing more._

_-How certain are you really, Himura? You have heard what the boy said.  She lies when she cares.   To stay with you…what could it really mean? To stay with you as what?   _

_It doesn't matter.  All I need to know is that she needs me._

_-That may be true.  But deep inside you're afraid to have anything to do with her.   Your uncertainty, your lack of conviction only betrays this hidden truth…           _

_-Yet, if there is one thing you can't deny, it's the fact that no amount of atonement can compare with what Tomoe had done for you.  Your Kaoru-dono may be perfect--almost to a fault--but her purpose is to inspire goodness in the rurouni, and nothing more.  Against Tomoe who had shared her most intimate passions with you, Kaoru is but a child.  Someone to protect…someone you can **safely **be with without worrying about those urges getting in the way, isn't that right?_

The glimmer in Kenshin's violet eyes intensified, becoming almost steely, like knives…

_I won't let anyone say that of Kaoru-dono… _    

The voice laughed, a silvery peal of laughter disturbing the silence of his thoughts.  _Shocked, aren't we, rurouni? Do you really believe you can hide your fears and fantasies from me?  The richness of her virginity is lost on you, or perhaps you have simply refused to think about it, knowing how much it tests your self-control each day she would smile and look at you with those cool, blue eyes achingly, as if wanting to surrender herself completely, and irrevocably to your will, if you would only take her.  But you wouldn't dare would you?  You wouldn't dare because you're afraid that by touching her, you'd see another woman, feel another's presence in your arms.  And that is the most painful of all…_

Kenshin frowned, his breathing becoming heavier.  The boundary has always been clearly drawn between us.  I am nothing but a rurouni.  To someone who's been tainted with so much blood, so much evil, what she did was far beyond the worth of any gratitude I might give in this lifetime, and for that, I can only thank her… 

But the voice merely chuckled, provoking the tense stillness of that inner calm of his.  _Honorable, aren't we?  Or simply repressed?  Suppressing your manhood all these years may have allowed you to rationalize such things, but I think you would agree if I tell you that repression does nothing more than make one's feelings even stronger… Besides, what is this talk of protection?  Sure, you've managed to protect her from all sorts of enemies but how do you protect anyone from shame, rurouni?  Do you think any other man will take her, knowing that she had long been spoken for that day you stepped into her dojo and vowed to protect her?  No man protects anything that is not his, and she, no matter how you deny it now, has always been yours.  No samurai who lives with an unmarried woman spares her virginity, in this time and age, and you know that very well too, don't you?  So whether you take her innocence to bed or not, she will never be an innocent in the eyes of another man.  You have ruined her without you even knowing it.  And she is far too naïve to even blame you for it!!!_

Kenshin stumbled forward, the sakaba plunging into the depths of the snow to support his weight.  He had suddenly felt weak…drained…his heart beating in his ears, his mouth opened wide to suck in the air his lungs refused to breath.  In his mind, he knew those words said nothing less than the truth.  

-You've always wanted her, don't you?  You wanted her because you wanted to feel what it is like to hold a woman in your arms and possess her completely—the way you did with Tomoe…except that she's dead.  And Kaoru…Kaoru is warm, alive, waiting for you to take her and make her yours…without the slightest resistance…

_-In the end, what you feel for Kaoru is nothing more than a shadow of what you still feel for your dead wife…_

_-Tell me now, can you choose Kaoru when it is Tomoe who is really in your heart?  When it is Tomoe who continues to wake the slumber of your manhood even in your dreams?   _

Demo…what I feel for Tomoe has always been different…Not stronger…Just different… 

_-Intimacy makes a big difference…Too bad your innocent little Kaoru may not live long enough to find out…_

_Iya…I won't let you or anyone say that of Kaoru-dono!!!  She would live in this life and in the next…and I will be here to make sure that death doesn't come between us…Not here, not now, not when I haven't told her…haven't told her things that needed to be said… _

He looked up.  The snow had stop falling.  A slight sunshine was peering from the clouds, melting the snow on his face into tiny dewdrops.  He shook them away, and looked into the distance, spanned by a canopy of endless white.  

_If the sun continues to shine like this, the snow would soon be melting away... _

A slight wind brushed against his cheek.  It was not so cold.       

Leaving the sheathed sakaba standing in the snow, Kenshin leveled his gaze to the traceless path stretching before him.     

_Kenshin, remember when you said goodbye, I wasn't able to say anything? _

_Dakara…_

Now I'm going to say what's in my heart.

Okaerinasai…Welcome home, Kenshin…    

_Home…_ he whispered into the wind, lifting strands of hair from his face.  _I have never said that word for a long time…not knowing it could mean more than I ever imagined…_

Something fluttered from a distance, catching his eager eyes.  It was a piece of cloth—a piece of blue cloth that seemed familiar.  He picked it up, his wide violet eyes shimmering as the sight dawned on him with sudden recognition …

It was Kaoru's favorite blue ribbon…

It was that other promise…

The promise to protect… unworthy as he is, that is a promise he will NEVER fail to keep, whatever the circumstamces.

_-But you forget… death releases us from all obligation… just as Tomoe's death released you from that promise you made… that promise you vowed to keep nevertheless because it was the only thing that binds you to her…to the woman whose sorrow is more precious than the happiness this world has to offer… because sorrow binds more deeply… and suffering endures more than happiness…        _ 

Kenshin wrapped the ribbon around his right hand as he reached down the snow, digging his fingers into its cold depths with desperate urgency, his mind a knot of memories and emotions. 

_Gomen…if I have any last promise to keep in this life, it will be to protect Kaoru-dono…That may not be enough…demo…I know we will endure…_

_And there is nothing to worry.  True, a man may have his weaknesses…human nature can hardly ever be constant long enough…demo…there is no reason to be afraid.  Sessha can never hurt you, or do anything to lose your trust…because that is all I ever have that matters now…the trust that allowed us to be together.  Because you trusted me, I learned that I can be me whether you understood or not._

_You made me feel that THAT never really mattered._

_Because you'd welcome me just the same._

_Gave me a reason to believe that there is hope…and forgiveness…_

_That even for someone like me…there can be peace…    _

_True, Tomoe had given me the gift of myself—the strength to leave the hitokiri behind to start a new life.  I will always be grateful for that.  But you have given me a reason to see that gift for what it is._

_A reason to fight..._

_A reason to believe..._

_A reason to go on…_

With you…to remind me always…that I have someone to fight for, to believe in, and to live for, until I can be at peace…

_Do you understand now how you've become the most important person to me?  _

_Which is why, whatever happens, I won't let you die…_

_I can't let you die…not in this cold…not while I'm still here…_

Kenshin parted the snow with both hands, sensing the pulse of life beneath.  It hardly matters to him now how his fingers bleed with the sensation of a thousand needles pricking and numbing him to the bone.   After all, the snow was cold at _that time too… _

Demo…I know what real coldness feels like.  The coldness that feels like death…

That is the only thing I will not endure… 

Because…because…

 He had always known the answer. 

Undeserving as I am, kami knows how much I want you to stay with me…      

_          Just as you want me to stay with you…_

_Only that promise, Kaoru…_

_Everything else won't matter._


	4. Forgiveness

Wasurenaide ("Do Not Forget") By: Hotaru Disclaimer:  Thank the Gods I don't own RRK.  I would have tortured Kenshin and Kaoru to no end, for fun ^_^ Warning:  Lots of angst.  Rating is PG.  (Any parents out there?)  

**Also:**  My thanks to **Nightrain** (yeah, internal conflicts—I have tons of that myself which keep me up all night ^_^ ), **lere** (Kaoru's love is pretty strong—she's just too damned shy like this poor sessha here who'd rather write than get a life, ha ha ha…sweatdrops later), **Shiomei** (introspection—I love introspection too, really!!!  Makes me feel like I'm my own best listener…), **kumo** (thanks, I just wish those insights won't run away when I need them…), **Calger 459** (yare, yare, thanks for the tense-reminder.  I do switch a lot, don't I?  I'm so embarrassed!!! ---hides my face under a blanket ^_^), and **May **(thanks for the simple encouragement!!!  I'd try to stick around for a while, thanks to you!!!)        

Please read and review as you please!!!  I owe you guys a LOT!!!  Domo arigatou and happy reading—err…I forgot…we got major angst here…   ^~^  Uh… sober reading??? (more sweatdrops!!!)  

Chapter 4:  Forgiveness 

Yukime woke up with a heavy feeling in her head.  It was almost midday.  She had not eaten dinner, worried over the fact that the man she had seen so often in her nightmares was just a village away, in a lodging near the mountains where she used to go every year to visit her cousin's grave.  She had heard so many things about the Battousai, how he made Tomoe-san miserable when she was still alive…how he had come to kill her, how Enishi went almost mad with utter despair and loneliness at her sister's death.  She could not blame Enishi for that.  Who would or could forget so easily such a sweet, shy, creature as Tomoe-san?  No other soul with such kindness, such endurance, could ever deserve her place.  Tomoe had suffered so.  And undeservedly.  Of all the people she knew, Tomoe deserved happiness.  Companionship.  _Love_.  She thought of all the good times they shared when they were still in Tokyo, when she still lived in the great Yukishiro ancestral home with their aunts and cousins.  Tomoe was very young then.  Beautiful and young.  The envy of all the young women in the family.  The desire of all men worthy of her beauty and esteem.  Now only she—Yukime—remained.  Enishi, she had heard, disappeared in China.  There were rumors of his return to Tokyo, his meeting with the Battousai, his capture by the police, then his disappearance.  She was told that his escape must have been a lie fabricated by the authorities to cover up the fact that he'd been executed too.  Like the rest of the Yukishiro clan who had been wiped out by the madness of the Bakumatsu, he was cleanly effaced from the world of the living.

And it was all because of this Battousai…all because of this one murderer, who—may_ kami_ forgive her—undeservedly continues to live.  Why can't such a monster die?

_Ah, I only pray that his conscience doesn't let him rest day and night.  May he suffer an eternity of torment greater than hell itself…_

But she knew very well that she won't rest until she sees him—sees him with her own eyes dead.  Dead.  Finally and utterly dead.

If not by her own hands, then those of the ghosts who can reach his very thoughts, his dreams, and destroy the man from within.

_Indeed.  You may be one immortal, Battousai—undefeatable, a legendary warrior whose skills are matchless in this world.  But in the world of dreams, you are weak.  You must be weak.  No human can live like you do without a weakness.  And if it isn't your body, then it must be your mind.  I will poison your mind with nightmares such as you've never imagined possible.  I only have to dig into the darkness, the evil within you, to create the very shadows that can destroy you._

_Because you, of all people, deserve to die._

_If I may have one guilt to carry for eternity, that would be the only one worth my happiness…_

            "Yukime-dono…awake so early?  Have you heard what happened?  Over at the mountains?"

Her heart skipped.  Does it have to do with him?  The Battousai?  The very ground he walks on must be cursed that none may rest in peace when he's near…

She smiled, not in the bit showing her agitation.  "What could have happened over at the mountains, Ayabe-san?"

Her guardian and protector, the last remaining ally and vassal of the dead Yukishiro clan looked outside the window.  The snow had begun to fall again.

"An avalanche woke the whole village.  Thank goodness it didn't hurt anyone, save one who was staying at the old Genzai lodging.  I heard Genzai-san received some visitors of his old uncle—visitors from Tokyo, I believe."

Yukime almost jumped at that.  But she only inclined her head away from the window and the sunlight, through which her companion might see her face and read her thoughts.  _If kami heard my prayer, it would have to be him.  Why can't it be him?  My only regret is not seeing him die equal to what he really deserves!!_

"It was a girl.  Half of the village climbed the west side of the mountain to look for her.  Such a waste.  That one so young should be made to suffer something so horrible…"

Yukime gasped inwardly.  She need not hide her disappointment and regret.  "Hai…a girl out in the cold, bitter snow.  I pray that she's alright."

"You are very kind Yukime-dono.  I was planning to go there myself to help out.  Genzai-san and I after all, are old acquaintances.  Demo, I was worried of leaving you here all alone.  Have you visited the grave?"

Yukime's attention however, was somewhere else.  Her eyes shone with the knowledge that the opportunity had not been wasted after all.  She had just found the perfect excuse to be near this—this Battousai.  This monster whose scar, the legend says, had been given by one who suffered the most in his hands…by one who had not forgiven…Yes, she would seek him out, and stare into the blood-scarred face of his, and tell him…tell him in his death-bed that there is no mercy.  No mercy for the likes of such a monster, in this world and beyond.

"Yukime-dono?"

She lifted her face to him, her eyes brimming with hopeful expectations.             __

           

"If it wouldn't be such a bother Ayabe-san, can I come along?  I might be able to help them…in some way…in any way.  Now that you've mentioned it, I don't think I can just let that poor girl die out there.  I'd help them look for her."

Ayabe-san's eyes glowed with suppressed admiration.  "Hai, mochiron!!!  I just hope you'd be careful, Yukime-dono.  And I assure you that I'd stay to help and watch over you, just in case you need me.  For your safety, I can't let you go there on your own.  Demo…"

"What is it?" she asked quickly, seeing the crease of worry on his face.

"You've never been in other people's company for quite some time, and I might fall back on my old habit of addressing you with all the respect and courtesy that a true Yukishiro deserved…"

She paled at that, suddenly concerned.

"Iie, I know that such small things can't be overlooked.  As far as the present is concerned, the Yukishiros have all died in the war.  People might not care, but that's just like them.  Men have such frail memories, they can't write history until it is repeated."

"You are wise beyond my imagination, Ayabe-san…" she smiled.

He blushed.  Yukime, he kept reminding himself, is almost as good as—if not worth more than—royalty.  Ten years his junior, she still looked young and vibrant, as if time had not touched her seven and twenty years.  Marrying her to the most noble gentleman he could find had once been a problem.  But now…now that he had grown accustomed to her presence, he couldn't say that marriage would be her best means of survival...

Besides, there seems to be no gentleman as yet, existing in this world, who is worthy of her.  For not only was she beautiful as all other girls are beautiful.  She was regal, if she only had the resources, and the luxury, to look her kind, and keep the company of nobles.  Trained and educated in secret by the Namuda family—his own family who had sworn to protect, with their last dying breath, the last—or possibly the last—surviving Yukishiro, Yukime had grown up an exceptional woman.  Not only was she endowed with talents in the use of five musical instruments, she knew all the traditional basic arts that women nowadays seem to neglect.  In his youth, he had grown up with the Yukishiro children, noted their natural grace and beauty, and knew with certainty that they deserve no less than princes.  That one…the unfortunate one by the name of Tomoe…she was just a bit older than Yukime herself, and acted as an older sister, looking to her every need.  Yukime had Tomoe's fragile frame, her bearing, her height, her eyes.  Those eyes were often sad, often dreamy and distant.  He had seen and spoken to Tomoe that night he delivered the news about her fiancé.  He cringed just to think what kind of horror he brought to her doorstep.  Tomoe was speechless from that moment when he uttered the words "dead in Kyoto."  She stayed in her room for weeks, ignoring sound, company, even food.  Enishi, her younger brother whose affection for her had no rival also failed to shake her out of her melancholia.  That was his greatest fear—to see Yukime endure that kind of suffering.  From then on, he promised to look after the remaining Yukishiros' well-being as a sacred oath that none of them…not a single soul sharing their blood…should ever be made to suffer.

"Shouldn't we be going now, Ayabe-san?"

"U-huh?  Mochiron, Yukime-dono!" he told her, grabbing her scarf.  "It's cold outside.  You will need this."

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Ayabe-san…"

            The village was not far, and the lodging was not difficult to reach, for it stood on the lower part of the western side of the mountain, near a cliff.  In the distance she could already see them—about a dozen people digging in the snow.  One of them--she could see him distinctly in the distance--had hair the color of copper.  She stopped, suddenly alarmed.

_Could it be?  Could it finally be him?  All these years that I prayed for courage…Now…now is the time to test that courage, kami…                 _

"Yukime-dono?  Is something the matter?"

"Gomen ne, Ayabe-san.  It's just a little wind, that's all,"she lied.  How did she learn to do that so easily?

            Sano looked at Kenshin.  His eyes were focused, determined, an obsessive hunger glinting through them, giving him a daunting look.  _Even if he's no longer the Battousai, there are times I'd have to admit he scares me…_

Kenshin's eyes widened.  Sano knew it must be a sign…

"Sano!!"

He needn't call him twice.

"Jo-chan??!!"

Kenshin dug his hands deeper, scooping immense lumps of snow off the face of the figure lying in the snow.

Sano saw it.  And understood the terrible fear gripping Kenshin's dumbstruck features.

Kaoru's face was cold.  Utterly cold.  Blue.  _Lifeless_.

"Kaoru-dono!!"

Megumi must have heard him.  She came up from behind Sano and gasped.

"Megumi-dono!!" Kenshin pulled out the hand of the girl buried deep in the snow, with barely her face showing.  "Onegai…"

She knew what to do.  She grabbed the small limp hand and felt for the pulse.

There was nothing.

The desperate look in Megumi's face must have alarmed Kenshin, for he craned his arm to reach into the depths of the snow and…

Kaoru's face came up, cradled in his arm.  He gave Megumi a desperate look.  "Megumi-dono…"

Megumi felt for the pulse on the side of the little girl's neck.  Still nothing there.

She felt a tear streak down her face.

"Oi, this is no time for crying!!  Why don't you pay attention to keeping her alive, because there's no way Jo-chan's gonna die you hear me??!!"

For the first time, Megumi didn't quarrel with Sano.  She looked at his agitated features, and for one second, smiled.  A very sad, but not unfriendly smile.

Sano was surprised.  "Me-Megumi…"

"We won't let her die.  Now that we're all together again, she can't die just like this and leave us behind…"

Kenshin brushed a stray lock of hair off Kaoru's cheek.  It was cold.  So cold.  He used to look into that same face and feel the warmth of sunshine peering into her eyes.  Now all of that is gone.

No.  He wouldn't allow it.  Not in this snow.

Again.

He embraced Kaoru's limp form, pulling the rest of her body out of the snow and into his lap, hiding her face in his gi where he might give her the warmth of his need to touch, to be there, to hold her and keep her safe…things he was afraid to give because he was afraid of…

Afraid of himself… of having neither the courage to stay, nor the resolve to let go… That almost happened in Tokyo, when he said goodbye… 

But now, more than ever, he was utterly afraid to lose her…to leave the feel of her so close to him, with nothing between them but themselves.

Then a presence…some unfamiliar hand touched his shoulder.  He had sensed the touch, rather than felt it, his eyes growing harsh at the acknowledgement of a stranger's hand close to him…to her…At this moment, anything that may come between them must be a threat.

The figure backed off.  Such strong emotions…she felt that they were under the strictest control, yet, even in that state, they might have been powerful enough to hurt her, destabilize her emotions, if she had been less guarded.

Kenshin spun around to look at the stranger who had disturbed his peace.

Their eyes met.  She would have gasped.

The cross-scar…

"So, who're you?  Kenshin's acquaintance?" Sano glibly asked, his voice rude and harsh.  "I dunno, if this is the right time for renewing acquaintances…"

She bowed her head, offering a courteous apology.  "Gomen nasai…I came to help…I thought I may be of help…"

Megumi frowned, her eyebrows arched suspiciously. "Still, you haven't really answered the first question.  Who are you?"

She bowed her head again, then lifted it for all to see.  "My name is Yukime.  Namuda Yukime.  I came with my uncle," she gestured slightly, sidestepping a little so that they may see the figure standing a couple of feet behind her, in a worn traveler's cloak, his face hidden in his straw-brimmed hat.  "He lives here in Otsu and knew the Genzai family.  He told me about what happened this morning, in this village.  I came as quickly as I can."

"You're a doctor?" Sano asked shrewdly, eyeing her with unsuppressed suspicion.

Ayabe gritted his teeth in silence.  He would have smacked that man in the face with a bone-crunching punch if he can only do so without betraying Yukime.  She's a Yukishiro and a lady at that.  She deserved respect more than anyone.

Especially from that fucking, disrespectful low-life.

Yukime smiled at Sano, her face becoming more beautiful and regal when she did.  "I've been trained in the arts.  The Namuda family have good doctors."

Sano gave her a wry, I-don't-give-a-damn-about-that look.  But it was obvious that he was avoiding her gaze, especially when she smiled at him with those sad, distant brown eyes.  Megumi cocked her head away from the two in exasperation.  Even in this kind of situation, Sano wouldn't be able to deceive her.  The woman is beautiful beyond words.  And charming.  She can use that smile like a weapon that could win over any man completely, without any struggle.

Then her eyes fleeted to Kenshin.  She gasped inwardly, asking herself not to believe what she was seeing.  Unlike Sano, he openly stared at the woman.  Stared at the woman with those violet eyes that glimmered…but with a different emotion.         

Ken-san???

Her eyes traveled back to the woman and noticed that she was carefully avoiding his gaze.

Is she someone you knew?  Like a ghost in one of your pasts?  This is after all Otsu… a place of memory…  

Megumi stared at Kenshin.  He was still speechless, his eyes aghast.  

Like he had _indeed _seen a ghost.

"Ke--Ken-san?"     

He stood up abruptly as if rudely awakened from a dream, bowing his head at Yukime.  Kaoru's head nestled softly on his breast, her limp form cradled gently—possessively—in his arms like precious glass, her face protectively hidden in the folds of his gi.  He looked at Megumi with unreadable eyes.  

"Gomen nasai Megumi-dono, demo, I would have to ask you to come with me to look after Kaoru-dono.  I'm taking her inside the house to get her warm.  Sano," he said, craning his head ever so slightly to look at the gangster with the air of command.  "Onegai, please bring in Yahiko and the others as well.     Megumi-dono?"

Megumi's eyes fluttered with acknowledgement at the urgent sound in Kenshin's voice, which motioned her to follow, Kaoru still cradled protectively in his arms.  Megumi sighed inwardly, taking in the sharp sting of ice around her.

_Daijoubu ne… I'll do my best to make Kaoru live…For you…Because it tears me up to see you Ken-san like this…To see you in so much pain…    _

_And I love you…like I've never loved anyone else…_

_That's all the reason I need.          _

"Onegai, matte!!!"

Kenshin stopped at the sound of the woman's voice, but didn't turn. Megumi however, glanced over her shoulder, and caught the sight of the hesitating figure who stood with her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes looking at Kenshin with suppressed emotions.  Megumi raised an eyebrow, a hundred questions in her mind.  _Who is she?  Why does she always seem to be looking at Ken-san, as if…as if she was someone he needed to remember…??   _

Yukime stood there, bowing her head at the shame she had to endure, addressing such a stranger with pleading urgency, as if he can't let him—this strange man with the scar—to pass her by without further notice.  

Kenshin turned his head slightly, but his eyes wore the same expression.

Sad.  Haunting.  

Yukime finally found her voice.  "De-demo, I'd really like to help.  If you would just as much as let me see her…"

Kenshin bowed his head, resuming his walk.  "Hai, Yukime-dono.  Arigatou gozaimasu, for any help, and…"

He stopped.  "Onegai.  Forgive me for having to ask it of you now…"  

Yukime's eyes fluttered open at the strange meaning of those words.  Did he say forgive?  Forgive him for having to ask for her help?  But isn't she giving it freely?  So why should there be any need for him to apologize for her help?  She had come for revenge.  But the first words he had spoken to her asked for forgiveness because…

Because he needed her to help him now, even if…

Yukime gasped inwardly.  

Could it be?  Could it be that I remind him of the wife he had betrayed?  And for betraying Tomoe-san, he hadn't any right…any right at all to ask for anything…

Except for this girl…this girl who seemed more precious to him than anything.   While he holds her in his arms, Tomoe-san lies dead here…in this same place…dead in the coldness of this snow…  

_So perfect…_

So alone… 

_So unloved…         _

Megumi saw the woman's strange reaction to Kenshin's words.  As if those words burned and seared her mind…the way memories do…

Sano sidled up next to her when she turned to catch up with Kenshin.  The expression on his face was definitely not pleased.  "Let's say we keep an eye on her fox, huh?"

She was surprised at the friendly tone in his voice, her eyes deliberately measuring the woman from a secret distance.  "Hai.  So you've noticed Ken-san too?"

"Who wouldn't?  I would have punched him right there to remind him that he should be keeping his eyes on Jo-chan alone, but thinking about it now, I think even Kenshin's not happy to see her…whatever is there between them…ya know what I mean?"

Megumi nodded.  "How do we get rid of her then?  We might need her still."

"I'd think of something.  But first things first.  You shudda be the one to keep an eye on her especially when she keeps smiling at me that way.  I mean, I don't want anyone to think I'm flirting or anything."

Megumi tossed her head sideways.  "Men.  I'd take care of it, if it's the last thing I'd do."

**. . . . . . . . . . **

**Author's comments:  ** Okay, by now you would have guessed the reason behind my choice of name.  Yukime is from "yuki" which means "snow" and which is the same meaning you have in "Yukishiro" which means "snow" (yuki) plus "white" (shiro).  Actually the logic is so basic I was having second thoughts about mentioning them here.


	5. Heart of the Hitokiri

Wasurenaide 

**("Do Not Forget")**

By Hotaru 

**Disclaimer:**  RRK is not mine.

**Warning:**  Rating is PG.  Still lots of introspection. ^_^  

Chapter 5:  Heart of the Hitokiri 

The lodging was made warm by a kindling fire that that gangster whom they called by the name of Sano, and sometimes, idiot, especially by the beautiful woman doctor who seemed to be always hovering near her, managed with effortless efficiency.  He was a loud-mouthed one, no doubt about that.  Whenever he spoke, it was always with a gruff voice that either griped, complained, or scolded.  He was funny though.  Funny in a different sort of way.  Even the doctor had a uniqueness she could not even begin to fathom.  Her sharp eyes seem to see through everything—and she knew that if she could be blunt about almost anything that piqued her, she could be blunt about her.  So what is she going to tell this woman if she came up to her and asked her about herself?  It was easy to lie to Ayabe-san.  Would it be as easy to lie to her?

Their eyes met.  She did not avoid her cold stare like she had done out there, in the snow.  She smiled her best, trying to be as friendly and innocent as she had never been.

Megumi shrugged off her expression and slid the shoji open, to let herself into that room where the Battousai must be…

Not once had she seen him again since she and the others have entered the lodging.  Doubtless he's staying in that same room where the young girl is.  Thinking back to their first meeting about an hour ago, she still could not forget his face when he uttered those words to her in the middle of that falling snow between them, the way his arms cradled the form of the young girl so protectively, so effortlessly, as if it was meant to be that way.  Her curiosity would have been satisfied to see the face of that girl.  To know the reason why the hitokiri was so concerned about her.  

_Who is she? What could she have done to deserve his affection and protection, while Tomoe-san suffered in this murderer's hands? _

_Is it possible for human nature to be so inconsistent? For a murderer to care for anything, save himself, and his empty pride?_

_Demo, that's impossible.  Evil cannot know love.  _

Evil knows nothing that is good and beautiful in this world.  All it wants is to destroy.

And by her hand, it shall perish…

She got up and walked over to the gangster they called Sano.

He looked up, suddenly abashed and angry that she should be so bold as to approach him—a perfect stranger—just like that.  

Especially when Megumi promised to be the one to take care of her.

Yukime smiled at him.  "Do you think it's alright if I see the patient?  Megumi-dono might need my help…if that's possible."

Sano turned away, afraid to meet her gaze for some reason.  "Dunno, better ask her first.  She's the doc."

Yukime smiled a grateful smile.  "Arigatou gozaimasu.  I really hope it's alright."

She was already standing outside the shoji when it slid open, unexpectedly.  Yukime was not prepared for this.

The Battousai was looking at her in the face, meeting her cool brown eyes with his own violet ones.

They were clear, honest, and…

In pain?  The pain was written all over it, terrible to behold in those beautifully sad violet eyes.

She could not even move out of his way, too transfixed by the emotion in those eyes to know that she had been staring into their depths, unashamedly, distractedly, betraying herself to him.

Tomoe-san stared doubtlessly into these same eyes…and saw…must have seen what I'm seeing right now…

A soul, sad, broken and bleeding…

Aching to be understood… to be loved…      

If it were not for the sound of another woman's voice, she would have stayed there frozen for an hour, just looking at him.

"Do you have any reason for this?" Megumi bluntly asked, peering from over Kenshin's shoulder.

She backed a step.  "Iie…gomen ne…I asked Sano-san if I can come into the room to look at the patient, Megumi-dono, and he told me to go ahead…"

"I think I told you to ask the doc first.  Those were my words, right?"

Yukime didn't know where to look, folding her hands as all three strangers crowded her, their eyes full of questions.

Kenshin stepped out of her way, his head bowed.  "I agree with Sano…Demo…"  He looked at her, his eyes an unreadable mask of conflicting emotions.  "Kaoru-dono is resting right now.  You might like to check her if you feel it's necessary."

The words were kind, without a trace of the unkind suspicion that the other faces bestowed on her so unabashedly.

She bowed her head.  "Arigatou gozaimasu, Himura-dono."

"Iya…" he told her quickly, his eyes widening in surprise.  "Nobody here calls me that.  This sessha is no one but just Himura."

She smiled, her eyes staring into the depths of his violet ones ashamedly, and helplessly.  "Hai, Himura."

Megumi felt uncomfortable, as Yukime continued to stare even if Kenshin had already turned his back on her, walking towards the fire and sitting there, his sword resting on his shoulder.  She can't blame her though, for that.  Kenshin seems to have that effect on all women anyway.   Still…

She wasn't sure if she'd really want her competing with Kaoru too.  Not that Kenshin needed to be protected from other women.  His loyalty to Kaoru has been tested by time.  And nothing will shake it—not another pretty face—not another beautiful woman, even if she came from some distant past…

Unless…

Unless…But that's impossible.  The dead could never come back.  That's the tragedy of death in the first place.  But what if…isn't it possible for the dead to share his or her soul with another living human being?  Isn't it possible for the dead to live through another person's eyes, through another person's heart?  To be the very shadow he or she walks on?

Megumi looked at Yukime.  And looked with recognition…

She had Enishi's eyes…Those cold, empty eyes…

"Wait."

Yukime stopped, the shoji half-opened to let herself in.

"Nani, Megumi-dono?"

Megumi brushed the strand of hair flying across her face and looked straight into the woman.

It was a penetrating gaze that communicated more clearly what she wouldn't say.  And Yukime stared back, her eyes trying to counter that look with innocence.  It was the most painful five seconds of her life.

"I will wash this towel with warm water and put it back on her forehead.   I'm coming with you."

Yukime smiled, averting her eyes.  "Of course."

Midnight.  Kenshin felt the wind strongly beating against the window and stood up.  The coldness did not help him sleep, and the warmth of the fire did nothing to make it more bearable.  He knew that his restlessness had nothing to do with the weather, or the time, or the exhaustion beating him down whenever he tried to stand up.  It was the worry tugging at the very edge of his consciousness every waking minute, every passing second that kept him alert despite his body's insistent protest.  No.  He couldn't keep his eyes closed for more than ten seconds without those images coming up again in his mind to make him worry even more.  Kaoru is in a coma and he wouldn't bear to see her in his mind walking along that path…that same path she had walked when he dreamt of hell and saw in Kaoru's place those haunting eyes that warned him of the fate of another loved one…

The dream had been a warning.  Only this time, it might be real.

No.  Kaoru will never walk that path alone.  He will never leave her in the darkness.  If he must, he will go to her.

She can't die without him…  

"Himura?"

The voice was quiet, calm, comforting.  He turned to it with a hungry look, a look that showed how much he needed to be comforted…to be assured…the way he felt with Kaoru when she calls his name with that girlish voice of hers, that beckons to him like nothing he had ever felt for anyone…

"Himura?"

The touch on his shoulder was undeniably warm.  He turned to it with a smile, seeing a soft outline in the darkness.  His throat urged to call out her name, that name he had been used to calling, when he needed someone…

"Kaoru-dono…"

Yukime stepped back.  Kenshin looked at him straight in the darkness, but he was looking at her with his mind's eye, as one would stare at a magician's illusions.  "Himura?  You've been dreaming…"

At the sound of that word, Kenshin froze, suddenly alert and focused.  He blinked at the figure before him, seeming to see her for the first time.  "Yu-Yukime-dono?"

She smiled slightly.  "Hai."

He wondered at the closeness of her as she stood next to him, peering into his face with a worried look.  Had he done something to make her worry?

"Sumimasen…is there something I can do for you?"

Yukime continued to peer into his face.  Even in the darkness, the scar showed, glaring at her, against the whiteness of his skin.  She could not seem to be able to take her eyes off it.  Kenshin was already beginning to wonder at the look in her eyes…

A surge of fear overcame him all of a sudden, as the sudden realization of the meaning behind her sad eyes came to him, forcing him to stand up with wide awake eyes.

"Tell me!  Is Kaoru-dono…"

Yukime could not move.  He was holding her arm by the wrist, his touch cold, harsh, vise-like.   Even his eyes were terrible to behold, for they were dilated, the blood draining from his face as he pushed the words from his lips with passionate urgency that his equally powerful will seemed to deny with violence.

"Himura…"

The shoji opened suddenly, revealing Megumi's frantic face.  She saw the horrid look in Kenshin's face, the grip that caught Yukime' s wrist, and the panic in the young woman's eyes as she stared in horror at the hand that was holding her tightly, painfully…

"Ken-san!"

His eyes recognized her voice, immediately releasing the hand that trembled in his.  Yukime flopped down on the floor, holding her wrist in pain as Kenshin walked over to where Megumi was.  The look in his face was strained, full of restless fear.

"Megumi-dono…"

She cast a look at Yukime, then at Kenshin, trying her best to hide her worry.  It was obvious that Kenshin was under stress, and at such rare moments, it is best not to cause more panic and fear than what is already stirring in Kenshin's frozen stare.

"Ken-san…Kaoru is waking up…"

That fact at least seemed to register in Kenshin's eyes.  He blinked at her, his violet eyes slowly returning to their normal gaze.   Yet, he seemed to have caught something in the voice with which she said that, so that he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes staring almost vacantly at her. 

Megumi looked down, unable to see the new fear in his eyes.  "Ken-san…  She…It was just as I feared.  Kaoru…Kaoru doesn't seem to remember anything about what happened…"

Kenshin walked a step closer, so that she could not avoid looking in his direction.   He held her by the shoulder, an arm's length away.  "That isn't all, Megumi-dono, is it?"

She looked up, tears welling up in her eyes.  "Ken-san…"

"Megumi-dono…" he whispered, still looking at her.  "I need to know…"

"Ken-san…"

He braced himself for the inevitable, his eyes staring at her bravely, as if forcing himself to listen. 

Megumi put her hand on his, which remained on her shoulder, forcing herself to look at him full in the face.  "Kaoru is blind.  She can't see us, can't remember us…I don't know for how long she will stay like this.  The blindness may be temporary, demo…it may aggravate her memory loss…Things you can't see, after all, are the hardest to remember…"   

Kenshin stared at her in disbelief, then his eyes softened slowly, his hand dropping from her shoulder as he took a step forward, into the half-opened shoji waiting for him.  

"Ken-san…"

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes looking, staring deeply into the shadows ahead. 

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Megumi-dono…" he told her, making her gasp inwardly at his unexpected reply.  She turned and felt something—like the warmth of a half-smile that was sad…painfully sad but kind and filled with honest gratitude.  

"Ken-san…?"

He turned to her, nodding.  "Kaoru-dono's life means everything to me…  Thank you, Megumi-dono, for making that at least possible…"

She looked down, suddenly nervous and uneasy.  No.  She has to keep her feelings in check, even now.  Especially now.  "There is nothing you should thank me for, Ken-san.  Kaoru's the one most important person in your life now…What happened between you and Tomoe-san…Gomen ne," Megumi apologized, her hand flying to cover her mouth.  Kenshin gave him a wan smile, signaling his understanding.  "Demo, all I want you to know is that I'd always try my best for Kaoru, because she matters to us—and to you most—of  all…"

Yukime froze.  What is it about Tomoe that made Megumi bristle with embarrassment?  She saw the hurt in the eyes of the scarred rurouni, but what it meant eluded her.  

Kenshin reached out to the doctor, touching her shoulder with one hand.

"Megumi-dono…"

The hand was warm, gentle, friendly—like the violet eyes that offered her sympathy, concern, affection—anything but the kind that she had hoped.

She had not expected anything more.

"Megumi-dono…" he whispered, meeting her gaze.  "I wouldn't forget what you've done for me…for Kaoru…and for all the people I've loved as my family.  You will always be part of that.  And there is nothing I won't do for you.  You need only to ask it of me…"

Megumi smiled at that, tears welling in her eyes.  His voice was kind.  But kindness hurts when it had nothing else but kindness to offer.  She met his eyes with an honesty that she knew would be her tragedy.  

But better this way, than to live without letting him know what I feel…

"Iie…there is one thing I will ask of you."

Kenshin stared at her, his eyes softening.  "Oro?"

Megumi nestled her head against his neck, looking up to meet his abashed face.  "Onegai, kiss me, Ken-san…kiss me as if you loved me…if you even pity me, you wouldn't deny me the only memory that I'm willing to take with me to the end.  Kaoru has this lifetime to share with you.  All I have is this moment, this moment that I know will be my only happiness…"

Kenshin only stared, speechless.  Megumi continued to look at him, enduring his silence, her pride, her pain…

He motioned towards her, and touched her cheek.  It was a feather-light touch, full of hesitation, and sympathy.

"Demo, Megumi-dono… It wouldn't be right.  Sumimasen…"

"Onegai…"

"Gomen nasai, Megumi-dono…This sessha didn't mean to cause you pain…I had hoped that you will find your happiness in one who is more deserving and worthy."

"You are the only happiness I will settle for.  But I can't have you without hurting the girl who is dear to us both.  Which is why, I left.  I left to make myself forget.  Demo…forgetting outlives only itself.  I would rather accept my feelings for what they are, than forget.  That is the only choice I can live with."

Kenshin looked at her, his eyes confused, embarrassed, a mixture of emotions.  For some strange reason, those words hit home.    

"Megumi-dono…"

"Hai?"

"Arigatou gozaimasu.  For everything.  This sessha is unworthy of anyone, but you gave me more than understanding and friendship.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  Demo…sumimasen… ask me anything…but that…Please understand… I will always remember your kindness, Megumi-dono… No matter how much I say those words, it will never be enough to express my gratitude… Demo… what you ask sessha to do is far from what you deserve for that kindness… I do not want you to regret anything... nor set aside someone else's affections…"

Kenshin met her eyes, as he said those words softly, his eyes shining with emotion.

"But what you say is true.  We choose our happiness.  And even if that happiness  eludes us, we must remain strong, and continue to hope that our choices may not lead us to the answer we're looking for, but at least will guide us along the way… I think my belief that I cannot—and do not—deserve to be happy has only kept me from recognizing that this road to happiness is not mine alone to leave or take as I please, but a journey that is shared always with those people whose happiness depends on my own choices, those decisions I've taken for granted.   Now that I realize this, I am ashamed to admit that perhaps, I've been selfish all this while, denying myself the truth that is precious to another living soul who loves and endures for my sake.  Kaoru-dono has been patient with me, and now it seems too late to make up for lost moments, missed opportunities that could have made both of us happy.  That is my only regret.  But now…"

Kenshin smiled—a sad smile full of regret, but not remorse.    

"Now, I cannot think of anything but Kaoru-dono's happiness… which is why I have to ask for your forgiveness once more… because I respect her and wish nothing more than to return that respect with my loyalty…and hopefully, if she would be willing, with the promise that my life and happiness shall be devoted to her life and happiness forever…"  

Megumi smiled through the tears, as Kenshin disappeared quietly, into the shadows of the dark room.  

Ken-san…

Kaoru heard a faint whispering close by, heard the door slide shut quietly, and felt the slight heaviness of a presence nestling on the floor near her.  She felt the warmth of a fire beside her, could hear the tiny faint flickering of flames against breeze, but saw nothing.  Nothing.  She pushed her eyes to see through the darkness, but it was a painfully futile effort.  Her eyes were opened, she was certain of a light somewhere close, but she was as blind as a bat.  The mere presence of someone close betrayed the inevitable reality.  She was blind.  If it was merely dark, then, the figure would have stumbled into the room, instead of tiptoeing ever so carefully around her, maintaining just the right distance from where she lay.  And of course, nobody would dare leave her in such darkness, without a single light to help her recognize without the slightest worry, the visitor who comes and goes into her room freely, to feel her forehead, or replace the hot towels on her feet.

Why is she here in the first place anyway?  And who are these people who seemed to shower her with so much concern calling her repeatedly by a strange name, in faint, fearful whispers?

"Kaoru-dono…."

She turned to the mysterious source of that gentle, effeminate voice.  Something tugged in her mind—a familiar response, a familiar smile—but whatever it is vanished into oblivion, like a forgotten dream.  She struggled to say something, but the words tumbled out like a hollow echo.     

"Who—who are you?  Where am I?"

There was a long, interminable silence.  Then the voice told her quietly, comfortingly…

"Kenshin.  You can call me Kenshin."

Something in her mind started to rap like the shutters of a window against the persistent beating of a violent storm.   Her eyes struggled to see beyond the darkness, to know and to recognize whose voice that was, as if her eyes were the very walls that her mind needed to see beyond, in order to understand…

And remember…

Kaoru struggled to get up.  "Kenshin…"

Kenshin held her back, his hands resting on her chest, pushing her back into the mattress gently.  His eyes glimmered hopefully.  "Sumimasen, Kaoru-dono, demo you shouldn't be getting up just yet…Megumi-dono said so."

She looked at him pleadingly, and his heart jumped for a second.   How could she not remember?  They had shared more intimate moments before—moments of suppressed feelings, wherein each tried to ignore the other's closeness, diluting it with conversation that revolved around anything but themselves.  It had been always painful for him.  Now, the mere thought of her holding nothing back from him, because there was no feeling at all to hold back, made the pain even more unbearable.

            How easier it is to endure the distance…but not this…

            This absence of feeling…

            This absence of her from him…the absence of that love that glowed in her eyes whenever she would call his name…

            Now, now as she sat there staring at him with empty, unseeing, unknowing eyes, he could feel himself drowning into endless oblivion.  Selfish as he may seem, unworthy as he may be, he wanted nothing more than to have her love him the way she always had.

            Not that his love for her depended on it.  No.  Now that he had admitted to himself his real feelings, they grow stronger every minute, pushing in his breast like waves, each one frightening him with its intense passion and excitement.  It doesn't seem like a moment can pass without him touching her, feeling her warmth, caressing her, holding her close to him where he had always imagined her to be.  It was the second time that he had desired anyone again.

            The first one, as all first times go, was powerful.  He wouldn't dare call it lust, but it might have been that.  He was younger after all, younger, and inexperienced.

            But this one…As much as he desired her, he could not help but feel a tinge of embarrassment and shame at the mere thought of being intimate with her.  Even his mind protests at the very image of her in his arms, of his or anyone's hands touching her in any less respectful way.  While his mind rebelled at it, however, especially when he's conscious self is awake, his heart didn't.  How many times had he felt guilty seeing her in his mind as a woman—a woman whom his body yearned to be with, entering its very core over and over again, in ecstatic frenzy, exploring the secret places of her very being with his own, until she had become inevitably, and completely his.  His manhood had not been awakened by anyone so violently before, and this disturbed him more than ever.  No matter how much he tried to convince himself, it doesn't seem possible for him to keep loving her without desiring her at some point.  And the more he tried to manage both love and desire, the more it rebelled, forcing him to maintain that distance ever more insistently—to keep her from him in as safe a distance as possible, where none of these unworthy feelings can touch her.

            But how he wanted her now.  He had always wanted her.  Suppressing such feelings only make them stronger—more unbearable.  At first he needed only to tell himself that Kaoru is not only eleven years younger, more inexperienced, and purer than the driven snow itself, but she is also no ordinary girl.  She trusted him beyond reason, gave him everything—a home and a family he can call his own.   Such kindness deserved nothing less than respect and admiration.   

            But now, now that he had finally admitted that he loved her, that he can't go on not loving her, he wanted to give her more.  She only has to tell him.

            Kenshin cringed at that.  How could he think of it even?

            Kaoru looked at him with tears misting her eyes.  "I'm blind, ain't I, Kenshin?"

            Kenshin was dumbstruck.  He had his arm around her, supporting her weight as she struggled to sit up, his mind suddenly pulled back into the present.  He did not remove his arm around her, wanting to hold her a bit longer, wanting to comfort her, caress her, tell her everything will be alright.  But all he managed to say was:

            "Give it some time, Kaoru-dono.  I'm sure your eyes will be able to see again, once you get well."     

            "Maybe.  I'm not afraid of the darkness, really…It's just that…"

            She gazed at him, her clear blue eyes shining with emotion.  "It's just that I need to see someone, anyone in my mind, to feel that you're really there, outside my imagination.  It's not really the darkness outside that hurts…It's the darkness in here" she told him, pointing to her head, her eyes wet with tears.  "It's…it's the wall inside my mind that's frightening.  I can't see what I can't remember…and the part that hurts the most is the fact that I might never know…never see…never remember even the ones I love…"

            Kenshin trembled at that, instinctively drawing her head towards his breast, his chin resting on her hair.

            "Kaoru-dono…"

            She cried on his shoulder, knowing vaguely in her heart that whoever he is, he understood her, cared for her, must be someone special to her, to hold her thus in his arms.  Her arm went up to his neck, and it made him shiver to feel her fingers against his bare skin, to see her eyes, her face so close to his…

            He leaned forward, closing his eyes.   There is nothing in the world that he would deny her now, nothing in the world that could keep him from letting her know how important she is to him…

            The shoji opened abruptly.  He looked up to see that other face.  The one who had always haunted his memories.

            "Gomen nasai…I just thought I might help…demo…" she caught his embarrassed look, and the motion of his head bending over the face of the young woman in his arms.  "Demo…I can do it later, at some more opportune time…"

            Kenshin would have said yes, but knew that where Kaoru's health is concerned, nothing else should get in the way.  Even himself.

            "Iie, Yukime-dono.   Please go ahead and see if she's alright."

            "Yu-Yukime-dono?  Who is she Kenshin?"

            Kenshin turned towards Kaoru with a smile on his face.  "Yukime-dono is a good doctor.  She and Megumi-dono had been looking after you."

            Kaoru smiled.  "Arigatou gozaimasu then, Yukime-dono.  I hope I can return the favor someday."

            Yukime bowed slightly.  The girl's smile was brimming with innocence, and a simple girlish charm that was refreshing to see.  She turned towards Kenshin slightly, and saw the glimmer in his violet eyes that burned with emotion.  He was very protective of her.  Even when she moved towards Kaoru, he kept his arm around her, supporting her, holding her arm gently in his as she checked the patient.

            "It seems everything is fine.  Don't worry about your eyes, Kaoru-dono.  I'm sure it's going to get better in a few days," she told her, getting up.

            Kenshin met her eyes, his smile bright and hopeful.  "Arigatou gozaimasu, Yukime-dono.  I hope Ayabe-dono isn't worried about your staying with us for a few days.   We really appreciate your help…demo…"

            His face became more serious, then apologetic.  "Sumimasen…if I did something a while ago that offended you in any way…"

            Yukime saw the confused look in Kaoru's eyes, and gazed back at Kenshin.  "Iya, don't think about it.  Anyone would worry, I guess, especially when their loved ones are in danger.  Please think nothing of it, Himura-san."

            Kaoru blushed a slight pink at the suggestion.   Even in her blindness, her eyes shone like clear blue marbles, their light made even more becoming by the soft, flickering glow of candle light.   Kenshin made no gesture to deny the suggestion, although he too, blushed slightly.  "Hai, Yukime-dono…"

                             ****

                         


End file.
